


All These [Gay] Things That I've Done

by vaguelybritishme



Category: Arrested Development
Genre: Coming Out, Gen, LGBTQ Themes, Mentions of Blunder
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-07-20
Updated: 2013-07-20
Packaged: 2017-12-20 20:02:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,962
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/891284
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/vaguelybritishme/pseuds/vaguelybritishme
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After the events of Cinco de Cuatro, Gob decides to keep his new feelings for Tony Wonder to himself, but can't shake the feeling that Michael suspects, despite him not remembering the discovery he made at the model home. Ron Howard narrates as Gob and Michael discuss whether or not Gob seems kinda gay.</p>
            </blockquote>





	All These [Gay] Things That I've Done

A week had passed since Michael and Gob had their fateful encounter at the model home, which ended in Michael discovering Gob’s affair with Tony Wonder and Gob forcing a forget-me-now down Michael’s throat.

Though he was comforted by the notion that no one there that night could remember what had happened besides him, Gob persisted to be nagged by something Michael had said.

_"I knew it! I always knew that—"_

_"Take this Michael, forget—"_

The next morning Gob had at long last been given the position of President of the Bluth Company, a title he felt he had always deserved but technically never wanted. Despite his trepidations, he decided to seize this opportunity to finally show his family that he was not entirely incompetent. At his mother’s behest to avoid any possible scandals, Gob hid the tape which recorded his and Tony’s sexual liaison and cut off all contact with the man he secretly loved. He wasn’t happy, but he felt he was doing the right thing.

Even so, Michael’s words concerned him. He was afraid that if his brother was already suspicious that Gob was attracted to men, anyone could suspect. Gob decided to discreetly extract from Michael exactly where his suspicions originated from, so that in the future, he could project a much more strictly heterosexual image.

"Do you think I’m gay?"

To be fair to Gob, discretion was never his strong suit.

"What?"

To be even fairer to Gob, he didn’t really  _have_  a strong suit in the first place.

"I mean is there anything that I do—mannerisms, little quirks of behavior—that would give you reason to suspect that I have homosexual tendencies?"

"…Gob, I think you’re a little confused. ‘Secretly gay’ is Tobias’ running joke, not yours."

"Hmm?"

"You know, we all have them. He has the gay thing. Mine’s that I think I’m better than everyone else while in reality I’m as big a jerk as anybody in this family. Yours is that you’re not very good at magic. And that you cry like a little girl. And that no one in the family likes you very much."

"That’s ridiculous! You like me, don’t you Michael?"

"Not very much."

"But a little bit, right?"

"Sometimes I like you. A  _little_  bit like you."

"Ha, I knew it! Of course you love me, Michael!" Delighted, Gob wrapped his arms around his brother and squeezed him tightly.

"I said like."

"I heard love," he said as he smacked a kiss on Michael’s unamused cheek.

But Gob quickly recalled that he did not come here to hold and kiss his brother, but rather to reassure himself that he didn’t behave in a way that could be construed as noticeably gay or effeminate.

"Anyway, just so we’re clear, it was a no on the whole gay thing, right?"

"Well, gee Gob, I was gonna say no but come to think of it you do seem pretty comfortable being physically affectionate with other men."

"What would give you that impression?"

"I’d say about forty years of being your brother and personal outlet for physical contact."

"Well who else am I going to hug, and/or heterosexually wrestle to the ground in jest?"

"I don’t know. All I’m saying is you’re very touchy."

"Yeah, but that’s just with  _you_! You’re my brother, you don’t count. I can be as gay as I want with you but that doesn’t make me  _gay_  gay."

"Never said you were gay."

"Good, cause I’m definitely  _not_."

"Right."

Gob was satisfied that the conversation was over and that no one could possibly think him gay with so little evidence. But as Michael considered the question over time, he kept recalling instances which made him question his brother’s sexuality.

_-a phone conversation the next day-_

"What about that guy Gary?"

"What gay Gary?"

"That guy we worked with at the Bluth company, didn’t I walk in on him sitting in your lap once?"

"Oh no, you weren’t there for that. And I was just trying to show him that the chair was giving out—"

"No, I definitely remember seeing this happen."

"You—oh right, no, that wasn’t Gary that  _you_  saw. Different day. Different gay. Different chair."

"So you’ve done this multiple times?"

"You have a filthy mind, Michael. This is 2013. A gay man can platonicly sit on the lap of a straight man demonstrating the weakness of a chair back without  _anything_  sexual going on."

"Look Gob, you’re the one who asked me if I thought you gave off a gay vibe. I’m just telling you what I’ve noticed."

"That’s fine! As long as you realize that these are just hilarious but misleading coincidences that your perverted brain is twisting out of context!"

"…Sure thing."

_-on their way to a family meeting at Lucille’s penthouse a week later-_

"Hot Cops!"

"Where?"

"No, I mean the Hot Cops. The stripping agency you worked for. Wasn’t it that all the Hot Cops were gay…but you?"

"Yes. Everyone…but me."

"Well it does seem kind of suspicious that you would be the only one, right?"

"I guess so."

"…Hey, wait," Michael said, stopping before the door to the building, a sudden thought occurring to him. “Did you ever strip for other men?"

"What? What kind of question is that?"

"I mean did women usually hire Hot Cop strippers, or was it more often gay men?"

"…Oh my god. You think I’m gay, don’t you Michael." Gob entered the building, his attempts to escape his brother’s questions futile, as the two were headed in the same direction.

"Listen, I  _never_  accused you—"

"I can’t  _believe_  you think I’m  _gay_!" he exclaimed as he approached the elevators, repeatedly slamming his hand on the “up" button.

"I don’t think you’re gay, Gob. I am starting to think that  _you_  think you’re gay, though."

Gob, his face white and panicked, ceased his assault of the button and turned to Michael. Forcing an unconvincing laugh that sounded more like a scream and trying to play it cool, he scoffed at the suggestion. “Ninja, please."

Michael wasn’t buying it.

"Ha, ha, oh, Michael. Come on, Michael. Mike!  _Mikey_! Mi-my brother, my bro, m-m-m-my, why, why would—Come on!—why would you even think—that, that, that, that I?  _Me_? Gob? Gobie? The G-O-B, G-G-George, George Osc-George Oscar Blu-blu- _blu-blu-blu_ —George Oscar Bluth the s-s-s-s-s-second? Named-named for my  _very_  manly and heterosexual f-f-f-father? Co-c-c-c-come on, come on,  _come on_ , COME ON MICHAEL!"

Gob had said little to convince Michael that he wasn’t having a sexual identity crisis and merely found himself red-faced and out of breath as the elevator finally dinged open. However, Michael could hear the distress in his brother’s voice, and this time, decided to do the right thing.

"Okay, well, listen—I know I don’t always show it, but I’m trying to change, so here it goes: I just want you to be happy. Whatever’s going on with you, you can come to me. No more I’m outta the family crap, if this year has taught me anything at all it’s that I  _belong_  in this family. So if you need to talk to someone, about  _anything_ —talk to me. I’ll listen. And there’s nothing you could say that would make me judge you, not after what I’ve done."

"…Do you really mean that, Michael?"

"Every word."

"…Thank you."

"You’re welcome," Michael said, leading his brother onto the elevator. “Still not gay?"

"Gay? Pfft! No."

"Ah-ha."

But perhaps the weight of the lie had become too great and his unfulfilled love for Tony Wonder had eaten away at him for too long, or the pressure of being president was more than Gob could handle, or perhaps it was that Michael’s kind words had bolstered Gob’s confidence, because it was then that he decided once and for all to come clean and come out to his brother.

"Funny story though, I  _might_  be…a  _little_  bit  _bi_."

_Ding!_

"What?"

"Also it’s possible that I don’t have it in me to emotionally connect to women. F[beep]king them is still great, don’t get me wrong! But I’ve been doing some soul searching and I kinda think the reason I’ve never had a successful relationship with a woman is because my desire for their bodies overshadows any other kinds of feelings I could have for them. Don’t seem to have that problem with men! I think there’s a word for that. There’s a word for everything these days! But who needs  _labels_ , I mean come on! I’m still the same me! Just like…50% gayer."

Michael was shocked by Gob’s sudden frank discussion of his sexuality, particularly after watching him have a minor mental breakdown just moments before.

"I knew it."

"Pardon?"

"I  _knew_  it! I  _always_  knew that—"

"Oh here we go again, where’s a forget-me-now when you need it?"

"After all this time—wait, what do you mean, again?"

"…Nothing."

"Did you say ‘forget-me-now’—? Have we had this conversation before?"

"You’re mistaken."

In fact, he wasn’t.

"Gob, what did you do?"

"Hey, what happened to no judgement, mon frere?"

"This is not  _about tha_ —" The elevator opened again and Michael realized his shouting might cause a scene. He collected himself briefly, saying rapidly, “Before I say something I’ll regret, know that I’ll always love you no matter who you sleep with and I’m proud of you for finding the strength to tell me the truth—now tell me, did you  _roofie_  me? Did you?"

Gob realized that if he was going to start telling the truth, he might as well tell it all and hope for the best.

“ _Okay_ , so you know how we’re all supposed to have these alibis because of that silly murder trial thing?"

"Yes I do Gob."

"Well the reason you don’t remember where you were at the time of the murder—"

"I’m gonna  _kill_   you, Gob!" Michael shouted, pushing his brother out of the elevator.

"Hey, at least you didn’t kill Lucille 2!" Gob replied, running towards his mother’s door in hopes that he might find sanctuary within its unfriendly walls.

"HOW COULD YOU DO THAT TO ME?" Michael, in his rage, was fast enough to reach Gob first and pin him against the wall, Gob struggling against him all the while.

"WELL HOW WAS I SUPPOSED TO KNOW THAT THE  _ONE TIME_  I ROOFIED YOU WOULD BE DURING A MURDER YOU WOULD NEED AN ALIBI FOR?"

"WHY DID YOU ROOFIE ME IN THE FIRST PLACE?" Gob had freed his arms and began slapping Michael, who was all too happy to slap back.

"YOU SAW TONY WONDER IN MY BATHROBE!"

"Tony Wonder was in your  _what_?" Michael asked, pausing the attack in his surprise.

"Oh, yeah. I f[beep]ked Tony Wonder." Gob smiled, but a little sadly, at the recollection, and shrugged his shoulders as he amended, " _Well_ , I guess it would be more accurate to say that  _he_ —"

But Michael, still frustrated with Gob’s antics, tackled his brother to the ground just as the door to the penthouse opened. A confused Lucille had heard the shouting and looked out into the hallway to see her two eldest sons doing the thing that made her the most proud: wrestling angrily on the ground in a bitter feud.

_On the next “Arrested Development"…_

With the support of a bruised but reluctantly forgiving Michael, Gob decides to come out to Lucille.

"You’ve  _got_  to be kidding me."

"No, he’s very serious, mother."

"My own son, my eldest son—a  _homosexual_?"

"Well I think I identify as bis—"

"A homosexual who tricked us all into thinking he was straight for forty-five years!"

"My heterosexuality was never a trick, mother," Gob replies, very seriously. "…It was an  _illusion_."


End file.
